I have wanted to be married for as long as I can remember. I would not have necessary told you that before I got married, so as not to appear too desperate, needy or dependent on a man for my own happiness. But, alas, I have always pictured myself as married with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house. The picket fence has, however, always been optional. (And, just a thought, if you have a third child, how do you decide which one you should split in half to complete the 2.5 dream?)
Have you ever read the little book called Corduroy by Don Freeman? It’s been around a long time, since 1968, in fact, but still in print and loved by children everywhere. I read it to Carter again today.
Here’s just a brief overview in case you’ve never read it or if it’s been a long time…
This adorable bear stands on the toy shelf waiting for someone to purchase him, unaware that his suspenders are missing a button. The day he realizes his button is gone, he goes in search of it.
He ends up on the store’s escalator saying, “I think I’ve always wanted to climb a mountain”.
And when he arrives upstairs in the furniture department, “I guess I’ve always wanted to live in a palace.” He doesn’t find his button and ends up back on the toy shelf. The next morning, he is purchased and goes to live with a darling girl that sews a new button onto his pants and has a little bed just for him to sleep in.
“This must be home,” he said. “I know I’ve always wanted a home!”
Something happened to me last night, a re-aligning of sorts. And I guess I feel a bit like Corduroy today. I often do a lot of thinking and guessing, usually second-guessing myself. “I think I would like to be doing THIS” or “I guess I would like THIS.” But the questions I am asking myself today go a little something like this…Now that I actually have what I always wanted, am I enjoying it to the fullest? Am I remembering how blessed I am to be married to Jeff? Am I showing my children today how very special and wanted they are? Am I making my home the kind of place it should be?
Is it possible to be living the fairytale life and to stop seeing it in that light?